Navigating Relationships With BPD

Introduction

Relationships are the heartbeat of our lives, giving us support and love. But what happens when someone you deeply care about wrestles with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)? To put it simply, it can be incredibly tough. Borderline Personality Disorder is not just a diagnosis; it's a journey marked by intense emotions, unpredictable twists, and the constant search for stability. In the midst of this storm, knowing how to anchor ourselves and extend a helping hand to our loved ones with BPD can make all the difference. Here we want to recognise the beauty and complexity of these connections and embrace the challenges with open hearts and open minds. We want to debunk misconceptions and give practical strategies. This is to increase understanding, communication, and resilience. Join us as we aim to help navigate relationships in BPD.

Understanding borderline personality disorder

Characteristics of BPD

Borderline Personality Disorder (otherwise known as BPD) is a mental condition characterised by quick shifts between extreme emotions such as anger, sadness, and anxiety.¹ BPD affects approximately 1-2 % of the adult population in the United Kingdom, affecting females more than males.² Those with the condition often suffer from unstable self-image, leading to feelings of emptiness, worthlessness, or identity confusion. Importantly, they often have hectic relationships caused by their symptoms of fear of abandonment, idealisation, and devaluation of others.¹

Common misconceptions

BPD is a valid and treatable mental health condition deserving of empathy and support. Unfortunately, there are many misconceptions about BPD that may impact relationships, here are a few that are often encountered.

• Manipulative or attention-seeking: This misconception often stems from behaviours such as self-harm or suicidal gestures, which may be misinterpreted as attempts to manipulate others. In reality, these behaviours are often cries for help and a way for those affected by the condition to cope with emotional pain.
• Lack of empathy:  Research suggests that those with BPD often have high levels of empathy.³ Their intense emotional experiences may make it challenging for them to express empathy effectively at times, but this does not mean they lack the capacity for empathy altogether.  
• Incurable or untreatable: BPD is sometimes perceived as incurable or untreatable, leading to pessimism about the prospects for recovery. In reality, BPD is a highly treatable mental health condition, where various forms of therapy and support such as DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy), can help majorly. 

Impact on relationships

There are various impacts this condition can have on relationships, that you recognise yourself in your experience. For example: 

• Instability in interpersonal dynamics: There can be great instability in relationships, more so for those with BPD.⁴ This can present as extreme fluctuations in feelings towards others. This can lead to rapid shifts between idealisation and devaluation. This can cause great strain and stress for both.
• Fear of abandonment: One of the biggest symptoms of BPD is a fear of abandonment.¹ This can cause behaviours like clinginess and possessiveness. People around these behaviours may feel pressured to constantly reassure and validate the individual with BPD. This can be very exhausting and frustrating.⁵
• Intense emotional dysregulation: Those with BPD can struggle with regulating their emotions.¹ This can lead to frequent and intense emotional outbursts, which might be triggered by seemingly minor events causing conflicts that escalate quickly. Partners and loved ones may find themselves walking on eggshells to avoid triggering emotional storms, leading to a sense of walking on a tightrope in the relationship.⁵
• Difficulty establishing and maintaining boundaries: Those with BPD  may test or push boundaries. This can result in blurred lines between healthy and unhealthy behaviours. This can cause feelings of resentment or powerlessness for partners who feel they cannot voice their own needs.⁵
• Impact on self-esteem and well-being: Constant criticism, emotional volatility, and fear of abandonment may contribute to feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and depression. Caregivers can experience burnout and compassion fatigue.⁵

Navigating relationships with those with BPD

Establishing boundaries

• Identify your needs: Take time to reflect on your own values and boundaries. Clarify what behaviours are acceptable to you and where you need to draw the line to maintain your well-being.
• Communicate clearly: Express your boundaries and expectations to your loved one with BPD in a calm, non-confrontational manner. Be specific about what behaviours are problematic and how they impact you.
• Enforce consequences: Establish clear consequences for boundary violations and follow through consistently. Setting and enforcing boundaries may be challenging, but it is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship dynamic.

Effective communication strategies

• Practise active listening: Listen attentively to your loved one's thoughts and feelings without judgement or interruption. Validate their experiences and emotions so you can trust and understand each other.
• Use "I" statements: When expressing concerns or addressing conflicts, use "I" statements to express your feelings and needs without blaming or accusing your loved one. For example, say, "I feel overwhelmed when you become upset," rather than, "You always overreact."
• Avoid triggering language: Be mindful of your language and tone, as certain words or phrases may unintentionally trigger emotional reactions in your loved one with BPD. Choose your words carefully and strive for empathy and compassion in your communication.

Providing support without enabling

• Offer supportive validation: Validate your loved one's feelings and experiences without reinforcing maladaptive behaviours. Let them know that you hear and understand their struggles. At the same time gently encourage them to seek healthier ways of coping with their issues.
• Encourage professional help: Offer encouragement and support for your loved one to seek therapy or counselling from a qualified mental health professional. Therapy, like dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT), can provide help for managing BPD symptoms.⁶

Seeking help

• Individual therapy: Getting therapy for yourself as a caregiver for someone with BPD can be useful. Therapy can provide a safe space for exploring emotions and getting good self-care skills.
• Support network: Consider joining a support group for those in relationships with those with BPD. Or find a good support network to help you deal with issues and stresses that may arise in the relationship.
• Books: Books such as ‘Talking with Your Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder can help give advice in times of need.

Navigating relationships when you have BPD

Navigating relationships when you have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be a challenging journey filled with ups and downs. However, it is possible to cultivate healthy and fulfilling connections with others. Here are a few ways:

Understanding your triggers and emotions

• Self-reflection: Take time to reflect on your triggers, emotional reactions, and patterns of behaviour in relationships. Understanding your triggers can help you manage emotional reactions.⁷
• Identify coping mechanisms:  Mindfulness, deep breathing exercises, and creative activities can be great coping mechanisms.^8,9,10 Experiment with different techniques to find what works best for you.

Communicating your needs and boundaries

• Practice assertiveness: Assertively communicate your needs, boundaries, and concerns in a clear and respectful manner. Use "I" statements to express your feelings and avoid blaming or accusing others.
• Be honest about your condition: Educate people you love about BPD and how it affects you. Open and honest communication can nurture your relationships greatly.^11,12

Building a support network

• Seek peer support: Take time to connect with others. Especially those with BPD  as well. Examples of support networks are Borderline Support UK and online forums on Reddit. They can help with getting advice, validation and encouragement. 
• Lean on trusted allies: Your personal support network can make all the difference. Having people around you - from health professionals to family members - can give support during difficult times. They can help you navigate the challenges of BPD better.¹³

Embracing self-care practices

• Prioritise self-care: Make self-care a priority in your daily routine by engaging in activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul. This may include exercise, meditation, creative outlets, or spending time in nature.¹⁴
• Set realistic expectations: Be gentle with yourself and set realistic expectations for your progress and recovery. Healing from BPD is a journey, and it's okay to take small steps forward at your own pace.
• Celebrate wins: Sometimes dealing with a long-term mental condition can feel like a constant uphill battle. Finding moments where you've been able to use self-help techniques or reflecting on times you've tried your best can help you find moments of happiness or appreciation for how far you've come.

Embracing therapy and treatment

• Explore therapy options: Consider participating in individual therapy (like dialectical behaviour therapy), group therapy, or to learn coping skills for managing your condition.
• Stay committed to treatment: Commit to your therapy and treatment plan, even when it feels challenging or overwhelming. Consistency and dedication to your recovery journey can lead to significant improvements in your relationships and overall well-being.¹⁵

Summary

For all those dealing with the stresses of BPD we applaud your efforts in not only helping yourself but also nurturing your relationships. For those who are caregivers, partners or are in any sort of relationship with someone with BPD, we applaud your ability to love openly and graciously and your effort to seek guides like this to do it even better. To those navigating relationships with BPD, understanding, empathy, effective communication, and support networks are guiding lights. We hope this guide was useful in doing just that.