Introduction 

Triangulation or triangling, is a manipulative tactic that reinforces power and control by introducing a third person into the relationship to deliberately create confusion and control while undermining the victim's sense of self.¹ It can be taken in various forms, such as third parties for emotional manipulation, jealousy and insecurity creation, controlling communications, spreading rumours, and social isolation. Having a basic understanding is crucial in recognising the occurrence of these harmful dynamics among abusive relationships, breaking free from, and supporting victims affected by these destructive manipulations. 

Understanding abusive relationships 

Abusive relationships are behavioural patterns when a person is being treated with violence, disrespect, or cruelty, resulting in fear, harm, and low self-worth.² While possible among various contexts, such as families, romantic partners, friendships, and even work and professional settings, the abuser dominates and manipulates victims in various ways.³

Physical abuse 

Physical abuse involves any unwanted physical force, such as slapping, punching, pushing, pulling, and throwing of items, that harms the victim, resulting in intended injury, disability, or death.

Emotional/verbal abuse

Emotional (verbal) abuses are non-physical behaviours, including constant criticism, humiliation, name-calling, or gaslighting. Targeting the victim's mental or emotional state, they create fear and manipulate one’s reality perception, causing one’s doubt in their thoughts, feelings, or experiences. 

Sexual abuse 

Sexual abuse is any non-consensual sexual activities that intentionally impact one’s sexual control and circumstances of sexual activities, including rape, forced sexual acts, unwanted touching, and sexual harassment. 

Financial abuse

Financial abuse is the intended control of one's finances, restricted money access, or any economic manipulations, like withholding money, forbidding work or financial independence, or unconscious use of one's financial resources. 

Digital abuse 

Digital abuse is the use of technologies like texting or social media to bully, harass, or manipulate someone, including actions such as cyberbullying, harassment, or unauthorised personal information sharing online. 

Stalking 

Stalking is the repetitive, unwanted, obsessive intrusive behaviours of someone, such as watching, following, or harassing without consent or against one’s wishes, making them feel afraid or unsafe.     

Explaining triangulation in abusive relationships

Figure 1. Illustration of triangulation in abusive relationships⁴ 

Triangulation in abusive relationships is a common manipulation tactic referring to the threat of exclusion used by abusers to involve a third party (the persecutor) upon communication to control and undermine the victim. 

The abuser (often a person with strong narcissistic or borderline personality traits) introduces a third person, such as an ex-partner, a family member, or a friend, into the relationship dynamic. Typically taking place during a conflict between the victim and persecutor, instead of allowing direct communication, the abuser dominates the communication, spreading misunderstandings and false narratives, hence exerting pressure, creating jealousy, or instilling doubt on the victim behind their backs to the persecutor, putting the victim and persecutor against each other in the end.  

By isolating the victim from the prosecutor, the abuser starts to gaslight and confuse the victim's sense of reality by making unfavourable comparisons with the persecutor, creating a sense of competition and making the victim second-guess their own thoughts, perceptions, and emotions. 

With a sense of inadequacy and insecurity, the victim’s sense of reality is being confused. Their dependency towards the abuser could be fostered by repetitive manipulations and ongoing step-by-step self-identity diminishing. 

Furthermore, triangulation is also a way of shifting blame and accountability. While using the 

persecutor as a distraction or scapegoat to deflect tension and attention, thus creating additional conflict from their abusive behaviours. Thereby, creating a more complex web of manipulation, confusion, and self-doubt upon the victim.  

Ultimately, by triangulating the victim with the persecutor in dividing and conquering for the victim’s benefit, the abuser could attain their goal by reinforcing superior power and control and becoming secure in the abusive relationship.⁵   

Forms of triangulation 

Pitting people against each other

By manipulating the victim's social networking and interactions, abusers create conflicts between the victim and others, such as friends, family members, and colleagues, by spreading false or misleading information to foster distrust, jealousy, and competition. Isolating the victim from their support system, making them lonely and depressed, thus more dependent on the abuser for emotional and social needs, to reinforce their power and control gradually. 

Recruiting allies 

Abusers often conceive themselves as reasonable, yet the victim as unstable or abusive, to gain trust and support from secure allies, such as family, friends, or even professional counsellors and therapists. In which abusers may share information selectively or fabricate stories to gain sympathy, which further isolates the victim by dismissing their concerns about the victim’s experiences and circumstances, making them alone, thus making it harder to seek help or validation.  

Love triangles 

Love triangles are the manipulation tactic in which abusers emphasise romantic rivals to instil jealousy and insecurity in the victim. By flirting with a third party and discussing past relationships, abusers distract the victim, making them focus their energy on competing for the abuser's affection and attention maintenance, thereby deepening their emotional reliance on the abuser. 

Parental alienation 

In parent-child relationships, abusers manipulate the children against the other parent. Despite isolating the victim from connections with their children by badmouthing, sharing inappropriate information, or rewarding children for rejecting the other parent.  While damaging the parent-child relationship, emotional distress is also induced for both the victim and the children.  

Playing the victim 

In order to gain sympathy and support, abusers may portray themselves as the victim while shifting blame onto the actual victim by accusing the real victim of being abusive or overly sensitive. Manipulating others into believing their version of stories without considering the real victim’s circumstances, further isolates them from seeking support.

Impact of triangulation on victim 

The emotional and psychologically harmful effects of triangulation in abusive relationships can be long-lasting. Victims will likely experiences:⁶

Damaged self-esteem 

By constant comparison and perception manipulation, triangulation undermines the victim’s self-esteem, resulting in a pervasive feeling of inadequacy, self-doubt, and a diminished sense of self, eroding the victim’s confidence and self-respect. Hence, they become hypervigilant, second-guessing their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. 

Emotional turmoil 

Subject to the inconsistent and conflicting messages given by the abuser, victims of triangulation often experience intense feelings of confusion, jealousy, and insecurity. In contrast, cumulative effects could lead to constant questioning of one's own worth, emotional instability, validation, and approval seeking. These may also cause long-lasting, traumatic effects for the victim, manifesting as heightened depression, anxiety disorders, PTSD, or other relevant mental disorders, making victims more prone to trust, relationship issues, and difficulties moving forward from abuse. 

Isolation and alienation 

Triangulation often isolates victims from their support systems as the abuser seeks to control their interpersonal interactions and perceptions through the spread of false information, turning others against the victim. While effectively cutting off the victim's source of validation and support for their power and control reinforcement. It leaves the victim lonely and alienated. 

Confusion and increased dependency 

Triangulation is often accompanied by gaslighting, which is the victim's sense of reality. While resulting in confusion, self-doubt, and self-judgement inability, the victim may struggle to distinguish reality with diminished autonomy and problem-solving capabilities.  

Breaking free from triangulation 

Breaking free from triangulation in an abusive relationship requires courage, support, and personal commitment to reclaiming autonomy and well-being. Below are some coping strategies that help victims break free from the triangulation cycle.⁶

Self-education

Knowledge is power! Empower yourself with the knowledge to respond and cope with the signs and dynamics of abusive triangulation, gaslighting, and manipulation calmly through a better understanding of the common manipulative tactics. 

Building support network

Get in touch with trusted family members, friends, or therapists for a secure space to open communication, approval, and direction when exploring damaging connections. Counselling or psychotherapy sessions could help to work through traumatic abusive experiences, facilitate self-esteem, and rebuild healthy coping mechanisms in handling the triangulation aftermath. 

Set boundaries and establish safety plans 

Establish clear boundaries with abusers and enforce consequences, such as limiting contact, seeking legal protection, and ending relationships altogether once boundaries are crossed.  Arrange step-by-step safety plans involving emergency resources and shelter options in advance for immediate leave when dangerous. 

Practice self-care 

Prioritise self-care activities, such as meditation, exercises, and journaling, and engage in hobbies that bring you joy and fulfilment to distract and shift your mood from the negativity, in enhancing self-empowerment and resilience. 

Summary 

Gaslighting, competition, and isolation, cause victims to become confused, powerless, and insecure. Abusive triangulation often induces deep emotional wounds, eroding self-esteem and distorted reality, inducing enormous effects on emotional and relationship well-being. While coping strategies include education, supportive networks, boundaries, and safety plan establishment, plus self-care practices. Breaking free from triangulation still requires huge courage, determination, and self-commitment to healing and autonomy. This concise introduction offers the public a basic awareness and knowledge of abusive triangulation. Further support and resources are encouraged in empowering victims’ navigation through these abusive complexities, reclaiming self-worth, and moving towards a fulfilling life free of manipulation and control. 

FAQs

What are the red flags of a covert narcissist? 

Covert narcissists often behave in passively aggressive ways, such as 

• Disregarding others and exaggerating their own importance
• Blaming, shaming, and ignoring the feelings and needs of others

What are some signs of borderline personality disorder (BPD)?

• Self-harm
• Explosive outbursts
• Inability to control anger 
• Impulsive risky behaviours 
• Excessive crying episodes 
• Extreme reactions to perceived abandonment